Staying Connected as a Couple During the Holidays: A Therapist’s Perspective

The holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and romantic, yet many couples experience increased stress, miscommunication, and emotional distance during this time. Packed schedules, financial strain, family dynamics, and heightened expectations can quietly erode connection. As a therapist, I often remind couples that closeness doesn’t happen by accident—especially during busy seasons. The good news is that research-supported strategies can help you stay emotionally connected, even when life feels overwhelming.

1. Protect the Relationship from Stress Spillover
Stress is one of the biggest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction. Research shows that stress from external sources—such as work deadlines, travel, or family obligations—often “spills over” into romantic relationships, increasing irritability and conflict.

Try this:
Set aside 10–15 minutes a few times a week for a stress-reducing conversation (a concept from the Gottman Method). During this time, one partner shares something stressful while the other listens with empathy—no problem-solving unless it’s requested. This simple practice builds emotional safety and reminds your partner, “We’re on the same team.”

2. Be Intentional About Emotional Bids
Connection is built in small moments. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, partners constantly make “bids” for connection—a comment, a question, a touch. Couples who remain emotionally close are those who consistently turn toward these bids rather than ignoring or dismissing them.

Try this:
During the holidays, distractions multiply. Practice noticing and responding to small bids: pausing your phone when your partner speaks, acknowledging their feelings, or sharing a brief moment of affection. These micro-moments of attention accumulate into trust and closeness.

3. Align Expectations Before They Become Resentments
Unspoken expectations are a common source of conflict. This includes expectations around gift-giving, time with extended family, traditions, finances, and emotional availability.

Try this:
Schedule a brief “holiday check-in” and discuss:

• What feels most important to each of you this season
  
• What you’re worried about or dreading
  
• Where flexibility may be needed
  
  Research on relationship satisfaction consistently shows that couples who communicate expectations clearly experience less conflict and greater emotional intimacy.

4. Prioritize Quality Time—Not Quantity
Couples often assume that more time together equals more connection. In reality, quality matters far more than quantity. Even short periods of focused, uninterrupted time can strengthen bonds.

Try this:
Create a small, repeatable ritual—such as a weekly walk, a shared morning coffee, or a nightly check-in question (“What was one thing that felt hard today?”). Rituals of connection are strongly associated with long-term relationship stability.

5. Practice Self-Regulation Before Engaging in Conflict
The holidays can intensify emotions, and when partners are dysregulated, conversations escalate quickly. Neuroscience research shows that when we are emotionally flooded, our ability to empathize and problem-solve decreases significantly.

Try this:
If you notice heightened tension, pause the conversation and focus on calming your nervous system—deep breathing, stepping outside, or grounding exercises. Returning to the conversation once both partners are calmer increases the likelihood of repair and understanding.

6. Extend Compassion—to Your Partner and Yourself
Many couples hold themselves to unrealistic standards during the holidays, expecting constant closeness and happiness. In reality, disconnection happens in all relationships; what matters is repair.

Try this:
Practice self-compassion and relational compassion. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with us?” try “What’s been hard lately, and how can we support each other?” Research shows that compassion fosters emotional resilience and strengthens relational bonds.

Final Thoughts
Healthy connection during the holidays isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence, intention, and repair. Small, consistent efforts rooted in empathy and communication can protect your relationship from seasonal stress and even deepen your bond. If the holidays consistently bring up conflict or emotional distance, working with a therapist can provide support and tools tailored to your unique relationship.

Your relationship deserves care—especially during the seasons that ask the most of you.