Focusing on What Actually Matters During the Holidays: A Therapist's Perspective for High-Achievers

For many high-achievers, the holiday season doesn’t arrive with rest—it arrives with a checklist.
Perfect gifts. Meaningful traditions. Impressive meals. Full calendars. Emotional availability. Gratitude. Joy. Presence. And somehow, excellence in all of it.

If you’re someone who sets high standards for yourself, the holidays can quietly activate the same performance mindset you use at work: If I try harder, plan better, and manage everything well, I’ll finally feel settled. Yet instead of fulfillment, many people end up feeling depleted, irritable, or disconnected—sometimes from the very moments they were trying so hard to get right.

From a therapeutic standpoint, this isn’t a motivation problem. It’s a values and nervous system problem.

Why High-Achievers Struggle More During the Holidays
High-achievers often rely on strategies that work beautifully in achievement-based environments:

• Goal setting
  
• Productivity
  
• Responsibility
  
• Self-discipline
  
• External validation
  
  The holidays, however, are emotionally driven—not outcome driven. They’re about connection, meaning, rest, and presence—experiences that can’t be optimized or forced. When we apply performance pressure to emotional moments, the nervous system interprets the season as another test to pass rather than an experience to inhabit.

Research on stress and burnout consistently shows that self-imposed pressure is often more impactful than external demands. Many high-achievers aren’t overwhelmed because others expect too much—but because they expect too much of themselves.

Shifting From Performance to Presence
One of the most effective evidence-based strategies comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Values-based living. Values are not goals to complete; they are qualities of how you want to show up.

Instead of asking:
How do I do the holidays right?

Try asking:
What do I want this season to stand for?

Examples might include:

• Connection over perfection
  
• Calm over productivity
  
• Meaning over appearances
  
• Enoughness over excess
  
• When values are clear, decisions become simpler—not easier, but clearer. You begin filtering invitations, traditions, and expectations through a different lens.

Practical Ways to Focus on What Matters
1. Choose 2–3 “anchor values” for the season
Pick a small number of values you want to prioritize (e.g., presence, rest, connection). When something doesn’t align, it becomes easier to let it go—or do it differently.

2. Redefine success
Success doesn’t mean doing everything. It means honoring what matters most consistently, not perfectly. Ask yourself, If this goes imperfectly but aligns with my values, would that still count as success?

3. Practice intentional disappointment
This is a skill many high-achievers avoid. Setting boundaries will disappoint someone—including versions of yourself. Research on boundaries and emotional regulation shows that tolerating short-term discomfort prevents long-term resentment and burnout.

4. Build in nervous system regulation—not just downtime
Scrolling, planning, or “catching up” doesn’t calm the nervous system. Regulation comes from slowing the body: walking, deep breathing, gentle movement, time in nature, or moments of quiet connection. Even 5 minutes matters.

5. Notice when pressure replaces meaning
If you feel tense, rushed, or irritable, pause and ask: Am I trying to prove something right now? Pressure is often a sign you’ve drifted away from your values and back into performance mode.

A Gentle Reframe
You don’t need to earn rest.
You don’t need to justify simplicity.
You don’t need to make the holidays impressive for them to be meaningful.

What people remember most is not how much you did—but how it felt to be with you.

This season, focusing on what’s important may mean doing less, softening expectations, and allowing “good enough” to be more than enough. For high-achievers, that’s not giving up—it’s growth.